We spent 35 days in Africa without our kids (2 and 3.5 years old). I have never dreaded anything more in my life—I was riddled with stress, anxiety, and guilt over taking the trip the second we booked it. I was in constant fight-or-flight for the better part of six months, knowing this trip was on the verge of beginning. I searched the ends of the internet for tips on what would make this easiest for both them and us (mainly them).
For context- our kids come almost everywhere with us; they were even on safari with us for six weeks just a few months ago. This trip was very different, and at the end of the day, we agreed that it would be best if they stayed home for several reasons. We had never been to either camp location in South Africa or Tanzania, and we were unsure how “kid-friendly” they would be. In years past, when we brought them on safari, we could make it work for us to see them during the afternoon, but this year, our days were 14-16 hours a day, starting often at 6 am and returning to camp at 8-9 pm. This means we would never see them, so bringing them was seemingly selfish.
Thirty-five days is a long time to be away from anyone, especially your children. I want to share what we did to make their time away from us as best it could and what we did to get through being away from them for so long. My plan wasn’t to miss them; it was to mitigate the heartache of being away from them while doing something for ourselves, our careers, and our future. I firmly believe two things can be true at once: I longed for my children dearly while we were gone, but I also knew they were in great hands while we were working.
My Tips
Talk About Trips Weeks or Months Away
Especially with Oakley, we started talking casually about this trip in January (we left in late May). Dean is still very little, so I knew he wouldn’t understand, but almost every night, Oakley and I talked about how much fun she would have with my mom, her cousins, my sisters, etc. I allowed her to ask as many questions as she wanted, and I shared stories about when my parents would travel and we would be away from them. We also talked about everything she would do while we were away: the zoo, the pool, the science museum, spending time with her cousins, the butterfly house, etc. I also told her what Josh and I would do while we were away.
Let Them Know It’s OK to Miss You, and It Won’t Be Forever
If you haven’t been away from your kids for an extended period, the concept of missing you might be foreign to them. I always let my kids know it’s OK to miss me while they are at the gym daycare. Giving a name to a feeling is a lot easier to explain to them for a future trip or event. I also reassured Oak every time we talked about the trip, saying that it wouldn’t be forever and that we would always come back.
Don’t Call Them First
This one might seem strange to some, but if your kids are OK, let them be fine. We made a rule while we were gone that we would only call on tough days or when they specifically asked to see us. I didn’t want to call them on a good day and potentially cause any sadness if they were doing fine that day. At the end of our 35-day trip, we ended FaceTiming eight times. That was it. It made it SO much easier for them to allow them to dictate the interaction on days they needed us.
Routine, Routine, Routine
Neither of our families lives close to us, so they don’t know our regular routines (they are always changing as is). About two weeks out from our trip, I started setting up my phone to record our routines (mainly bedtime and then how I handle difficult situations when they are upset). You want them to feel as comfortable as possible, and the best way to do that is for hardly anything to change in their daily lives.
I also had my sister come out the weekend before we left for a practice run with the kids. She did all the routines while I was traveling for a work trip, and the questions she asked me helped me immensely in giving my mom every detail I could think of to make the transition seamless.
About a month out, I started making lists of everything from snack and meal ideas to songs they like to listen to and sing to specific words and phrases that mean something to only them/us. I wanted my mom to be clear about what song Oakley liked to sing with me while we were halfway across the world without any service.
I also ordered my mom a huge box of snacks and meals from THRIVE, which I know the kids love. The box was full of all the things that they eat at our house. Of course, new snacks are fun, and they definitely suckered my mom into some things from the grocery store, but the last thing I wanted was for them to be at my mom’s without their favorite snacks.
Change Your Background Photo on Your Phone
This one might seem a little wild, but I don’t have my kids as my background on my phone while traveling. If I don’t see them on my phone, it’s much easier to focus on the task at hand. On our safari, we were filming a documentary the entire time. Of course, this means we were busy (while it helps a ton), and I wanted to ensure I was as focused as possible. I look at photos of them enough, which always makes me sad, so I didn’t want to be sad every time I checked my phone.
Create Your Own Tonies
If your kids use tonies, I highly recommend the “creative” tonies. Josh and I recorded a reading of a few books (make sure to send those along, too), some messages, and us telling them stories to listen to while falling asleep. Pro Tip- these also make great gifts for grandparents to give you so our kids can listen to them read stories when they aren’t there. The same goes for videos- I wasn’t sure how much service we would have, so we pre-recorded a few videos of us telling them how much we miss them, love them, reminding them it’s OK to miss you, and that it wasn’t forever.
Plan Surprises While You’re Gone
I had five surprises each for them planned while we were gone that I sent to my mom to give them every few days or as needed while we were gone. She told them that I sent the presents from Africa (when, in reality- I had sent them a few weeks prior, and she hid them in the closet). Surprises and gifts are Oakley’s love language right now, and she gets so excited even for the smallest pack of stickers. It doesn’t have to be huge- just something to help in case they are having a tough time!
Family Time
As stated, our families don’t live close to us at all. The longest the kids have spent with their cousins is five days on a family vacation. We are all swamped, and I love my family very much, but it’s challenging to spend weeks at a time with one another as we are all at different points in our lives. I knew with my heart that this time would be so good for the kids and their aunts, cousins, and grandparents. I hope to one day be a grandma, and I pray that Oakley and Dean allow us to watch their kids while they take a big adventure trip with their spouses.
I had an appointment right before we left that I brought the kids to, and the receptionist told me that she was a grandma. She said a few years ago, she got to watch her grandkids for a few weeks, and it was the highlight of her life—this was so reassuring to me to see it from a grandma’s point of view.
Lastly, Don’t Feel Guilty
If you are going on a trip, whether for work or pleasure- ENJOY your trip. You worked hard to pay for it, planned it, packed for it, and deserved it. You deserve the time either by yourself, friends, or spouse. Try not to feel guilty about doing something for you. I know it’s easier said than done, but you are more than just a parent. I would be so upset with my parents if they didn’t take a trip like this when I was Oakley’s age. Your kids won’t hate you- I promise.
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